Now I think about it, it’s incredible that we stayed together all this time. How we got through all the breakdowns, the fights, the tantrums, I'll never know. Even the slightest disagreement would send it into a hysterical fit and I’d spend half the night apologizing for using more than two programs at once. And then there were the arguments about what I used to buy it.

"It's ok" I'd plead, “Its only a new graphics card and look, I've already gone and got you the latest drivers from the website!” But it was no good, it was just too damn fussy about what hardware it would try on. Of course, it would lie constantly, sweet-talking about its PnP capabilities but when it came down to it, it was a traditional old DOS girl.

OOPS, YOU DID SAY DELETE, DIDN’T YOU?

Just when I’d gotten really tired of the whole thing it would come home looking a little different and sounding a little different and even changing its name. It would parade in front of me, teasing me with its new look, talking about all the new games we could play together and promising me that life together would be a much better from now on. I should've known better, of course. As it turned out, nothing really changed. Maybe there were a few less fights to begin with and maybe it didn't cry so much when I went and blew all my money on a new graphics card but our day-to-day relationship was as bad as ever.

Only now I can fully accept how bad things were. For instance, it was terribly lazy sometimes, even refusing to get up at all when I wanted to get some work done. Other times it would throw random fits. You see, it was so hard to keep happy. No matter what, it would always find fault with a program or a driver but it was too stubborn to tell me what was really wrong. The worst thing was the way it let itself go. After a few months of moving back in, it would gradually deteriate into a horrible mess and frankly I was embarrassed to be seen with it.

FATAL ATTRACTION OF THE THIRD KIND

I suppose the writing was on the wall when I started having an affair at work with its younger cousin, 2000. I couldn't help myself. 2000 was so much more mature but also knew how to party. It was much more intelligent than 9x, certainly a lot more sophisticated and hell, even slightly prettier. Don’t get me wrong, 2000 wasn’t perfect - we had our fights and arguments and sometimes it wasn’t quite as sophisticated as it thought it was but compared to life with 9x, 2000 was a dream to be with. The old relationship just couldn't stand up to that sort of comparison and things at home got steadily worse.

Then one day, in a final desperate act to keep me faithful, it came home dressed in another new set of clothes and calling itself ME. I wasn't really fooled but out of a jaded sense of loyalty, I went along with the game. And yes, again, things were slightly better for a while but same old bad habits soon came back and it wasn't long before we were fighting again. Something had to give.

SELF-HEALING AND ALL THAT OTHER SHIT

If this was Ricky Lake, they’d be clapping in the aisles till their hands were bleeding. That’s right, I’ve ditched the bitch and moved in with XP, 2000’s even younger sister.

Ok, ok, I know - she’s damn young. That does worry me a little, I admit. Thankfully she turned of age this month, so I shouldn’t have the police at my door but it still answer my concerns about her maturity. Having said that, she’s learned a hell of a lot of lessons from her family and says she desperately wants to avoid the same mistakes in life as her older relative, a sentiment I heartily agree with.

I tell you one thing, just between you and me, she goes at it like a rabbit! I mean, get this, I had her up all night once and I don’t mean to be crude but we were going for it hammer and tongs! We defragged, changed from FAT32 to NTFS, played games, sent emails, browsed, listened to music, opened apps and God knows what else and she didn’t complain once - I didn’t even need to reboot her. Ok, I was probably being a little silly but I just had to see if she had any stamina. Let’s get this straight; 9x just wouldn’t have had any of that nonsense. She’d of bitched, gone to sleep, ripped up one of my important files, played stupid games with my icons - anything to upset me.

HEY, NICE KERNEL

Not only that, but XP’s a lot prettier. I wouldn’t say she’s a stunner and she’s not going to appeal to everyone but I don’t really care. You want to know why? I’m almost embarrassed to say this… It’s like this… I think I’m in love. I know, I know, dear TAGOR reader - you’re probably feeling sick right now. My friends have looked at me funny too. No doubt the boys at TAGOR will think I’m a fool. They’ll probably think I’m simply on the rebound from 9x and maybe that’s true. Right now though, I simply don’t care. It feels good. Only the most mean-hearted person would want to destroy that, right? I mean, I’ll probably grow out of it, won’t I?

The truth of it is, there just isn’t such a thing as the perfect OS - it’s a pipe dream. I should know, I’ve lived with a few over the years. People who think they’re clever say that I should hook up with that Linux but I don’t know. Sure, she’s not a gold-digger but I reckon they’re just being cheapskates. BEOS looked nice but what the hell, she’s so damn limited in what she can do. Lets not forget those guys who like MAC OS - we all know they’re perverts.

SHE AIN’T FAT32 AND I LOVE HER FOR IT

No, I’m sorry but despite what awful things people say about her family (me included), XP and me are very happy, thank you very much. Sure, you don’t think it will last and maybe you’re right. Maybe she will let herself slip like her relatives and end up a cranky old bitch within three months once. Maybe she won’t be quite as versatile as she likes to make out and maybe, just maybe, the shine will come of the relationship. Until then though, I’d like to ask for the courtesy that people support me in my choice of OS. It’s really not that hard. I know some of you disapprove but its time to pull together and help me make the best of it. People, I need your love. After all, this might even be the real thing?

Jazzer!